the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
