Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
