when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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