but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
