I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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