those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
