i permit you to call me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
