Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
