Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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