yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
