Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You ruined the universe
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
