drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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