I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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