I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
