the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
