I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
