i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
