and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
