How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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