I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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