Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I AM VODKA MAN
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
