If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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