Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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