Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
