He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
