Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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