I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You were trust falling into bushes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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