tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
