there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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