Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
