Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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