he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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