I wish I only lived at night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
