I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm passing your future prison.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
