entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
