I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
