My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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