I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
