I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
