Your face is a jimmy john
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
