I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
