dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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