i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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