go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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