i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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