tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize