have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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