I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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