she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
