You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i now understand why vodka
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
