We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
