She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize