Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My liver just broke up with me...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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