My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She bit a glass in half.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
