someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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