Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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