Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my being single is dangerous.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
