Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
