there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
