Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there was a trapeze. enough said
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
